Look At My AFOs, MoFos

Posted on July 31, 2013 by Andy Chrestman

Greetings, gang.  Well it looks like we have failed to apprise you of our goings-on for two-thirds of the summer.  Please accept our warmest apologies.  I have just been taking it easy this summer, drinking a few beers:

I have also been quite busy, with plenty of developments and new adventures to tell you about in due time. But because football season quickly approaches and this period of sports purgatory known as June and July comes to a merciful end, I wanted to show you all my new black-and-gold-themed AFOs… Mofos.

AFO stands for “ankle foot orthotic.”  They are essentially braces that keep my ankle and foot in a normal position.  It is one of the many things I am doing to ensure that one day maybe I can walk unassisted.  These kinds of orthotics are common for kids like me who have cerebral palsy, which I have officially been diagnosed with.

I tolerate them pretty well, and you could pretty much paint a turd black and gold, throw a fleur-de-lis on it and I’d like it.  The only minor inconvenience is that I had to go up a few sizes in my shoes so that when I wear them, my feet look disproportionally larger than the rest of my body.

But you know what they say about a guy with big feet…

And as my mommy likes to say, this now makes daddy the odd man out in the leg brace department.

Who Dat.



Posted in Therapies | Leave a comment

Nuthin’ But a G-Tube

Posted on May 24, 2013 by Andy Chrestman

By: Dad, a.k.a Andy “Liquid A” Chrestman and Hunter “Dirty Dirty” South

Kohl, with his mom’s help, would like to tell you about his G-tube.  He got it about a month ago.  He will describe it through the majesty of song.  For those who have not met our friends Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre, or are otherwise unfamiliar with 90s hip hop, please view the following orientation video:

One, two, three and to the fo’
Kohl and his gang, they got somethin’ you should know

Ready to tell you somethin’, so listen up

Cause you know I’m ’bout to rip shit up


Now don’t be alarmed, don’t bust like a bubble,

Drinkin that bottle, oh yeah you know it gave me some trouble,

Ain’t nothin’ but a G-Tube baaaaby

For medicine and food, nuthin’ crazy

That tube is the thing that feeds me

I’m unfazeable, so please don’t try to faze this, 


But, uh, back to the lecture at hand
I wasn’t growin like I was ‘sposed ta, don’t you understand,
From a young G’s perspective, those calories they crucial, it ain’t no elective,

I need to eat right to feel right man, 

And keep on growin’ right man, and at the same time developin’ man 

Now you know I wasn’t with that medicine shit

Even mixed with milk or with chocolate, you know I still rejected it,

Now that’s realer than real-deal Holyfield
And now all you uncles and aunts know how I feel

Well if it’s good enough to get broke off a proper chunk
I’ll take a small tube of some of that blended stuff

I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh

I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh

I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh

Mom, creep to the crib like a phantom

[MOM ON THE MIC’]

I ain’t dreamin’ but I’m creepin’, might be weepin’
But I damn near went nuts ’cause my baby wasn’t sleepin’

Now it’s time for me to make that little gut swell
So sit back, relax and pass out and don’t yell
Never been able to feed you like this befo’
With this tube that can help you develop and grow
I don’t even feel bad for your dad when you spit
You know and I know that getting it on him’s some funny shit

[KOHL ON THE MIC’]


To add to my collection, the defecation
Smells like death, take a breath and don’t choke
If ya’ do, ya’ have no clue
O’ what me and my Mommy Sarah C came to do
 I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh

I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh

I drink milk, if I don’t then I won’t grow

Awww, shiiit, it just spilled all over the floor


Fallin’ back on that ass with a belly full of somethin green
Gettin’ funky in my huggies, I think you know just what I mean

It’s the capital K, O, H, the fresh L, P double O P
D, A double D Y, don’t you wanna’ see?
Showin’ much flex when it’s time to wreck a diaper
Smilin big and laughin’ when dad turns into a griper

Yeah, and I won’t quit
I doubt they in the mood for some of that stanky Kohler shit

Yo Mom, [What up Kohl]

You gotta give me what I want [What’s that, K?]
You gotta’ break me off somethin’ [Hell yeah]
And it better not be pumpkin [cuz you don’t like Chompin?]


 I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh

I drink milk and then poop and drink milk and uh

It’s like this, that’s my medical update you know

So jus’ chill … till the next episode

###

Performed by Kohl “Lil’ Nugget” Chrestman, featuring Sarah “Warrior Princess” Chrestman



Posted in Tube Feeding | Leave a comment

Happy Birthday, Mommy

Posted on May 19, 2013 by Andy Chrestman

Happy Birthday Moms,

It seems like only seven short days ago that we were celebrating you.  Weren’t we just doing this for Mother’s Day?  And yet here we are again.

Daddy says that even before I graced you all with my presence, you used to extend your birthday celebrations into multi-day, and sometimes multi-week celebrations.   I suppose it is only natural, then, that we have to give you your due not once, but twice in a one-week span.

And you know what else, mommy?  You deserve it.  Besides, your birthday allowed me to celebrate my very first crawfish boil, which daddy threw as a surprise for you.  I will admit, I did not appreciate this:

But it wasn’t necessarily your fault since you had no clue that the crawfish boil was going down.  In fact, daddy said you were a colossal pain in the ass to keep out of the house for the requisite period of time, but that due to his exceptional organizational skills and ability to think on his feet, he was able to keep you occupied, thus allowing the party to go off without a hitch.  I’m not really sure what any of that means, but I sense that is part of what you refer to as daddy’s “jackassery.”

Anyway, I really loved my first crawfish boil, so I guess I should thank you for being born 30 years ago so that I could enjoy it.  Other than the delicious crawfish, carmaraderie and the draft beer that flowed like wine, here were my three favorite things about your party:

1. This giant sign that Mr. Chris made:

I know that you have previously been mocked for this She-ra costume and your corrective leg braces here.  But some things just bear repeating.

2. These souvenir cups:

I think Daddy may have grossly overestimated how many friends you both have by ordering 100 of these things, but I like them.  I like the red color and the drawing of the crawfish.  Many of the party attendees also kept on commenting about the “sexual innuendo.”  I don’t know what that is, but it sounds kind of cool.

3. This painting by Hank Holland

Even though the painting is really neat, I think I like the story behind the artist better.  Hank Holland has cerebral palsy, a neurological disorder that I will most likely be diagnosed with in the future.  But beyond that, he is one of many examples of how someone with a disability can exhibit something called grace.  Mr. Holland has had a very difficult life, and he should have every reason in the world to be filled with anger or hate.  But he’s not.  Instead, in his words, he discovered that “everything grows with love and with that comes hope, faith, courage, prayer, trust and grace.”

Those are all difficult concepts to define and are better understood by seeing them in action.  I see them in action through Mr. Holland’s artwork.  But I also see them in action in you, mommy.  I’m looking forward to spending another 30+ years with you.  Happy Birthday!



Posted in Musings | Leave a comment